Finally
by Freckles-n-Feathers
Summary: A moment between Cas and Dean. Warning: spoilers for eps 11x22 and 11x23
His room feels smaller than usual tonight, but he figures it's because of the hugeness of what is about to take place tomorrow. Once and for all he'll be playing his part in all this, taking the Darkness down on his own. A bomb - he will be the nuke that ends her... and probably him as well.

But it could be worse. They could have actually succeeded last night in locking her up again, giving his little brother the curse that Dean had to live with for two years. He's glad it failed, even though her retaliation to such an idea was weakening Chuck to the point of near death.

She killed Lucifer, giving Cas back to him, and for that, he's thankful. Since their return to the bunker, things between the group have been strained. Chuck feels like shit, and rightly so. Sam is anxious about tomorrow, still trying to find an alternative to possibly having to watch his brother die. Crowley, well, he doesn't care either way, along with Rowena. They both just want a world to live in.

He can't figure out what Cas feels about all of this. He's barely even made eye contact with him, let alone had a real conversation, other than his usual checking in on him: "Are you okay, Dean?" "Yes, Cas, I'm fine."

Dean sits on the edge of the bed, staring at the blank walls, thinking of a million reasons to back out of this, and each time, cursing himself for even _almost_ entertaining that thought. It has to be him, though. And it's not because he knows what a piece of shit person he's become, but because he started all this. He has to clean up his own mess, and hopefully fix what he so carelessly broke.

The world isn't going to suffer anymore because of his rash decisions.

"Dean."

He looks up to see Castiel standing at the doorway, eyebrows arched in his usual way when he's concerned or worried. He's only in his white button down shirt and slacks, retiring his suit jacket and trenchcoat hours ago. Dean has to admit that it's still a little strange seeing Cas so... naked sometimes. He notices his tie is even looser than normal and for the second time tonight, Dean is reminded how human Castiel has become.

The first time was when he ate a slice of pizza earlier while they discussed their battle plans.

"Cas, what's up?"

He watches the angel enter the room, apprehensively as if Dean is a rabid animal and he's taking all the necessarily precautions as to not get bit. Funny how Dean can still manage to give off that vibe as if he's ready to attack, when all he wants to do is finally have a one on one with his best friend, and maybe end this tension that's been between them since last year.

Cas finds a chair and pulls it towards the bed, taking a seat to face Dean. He looks tired, more so than Dean's ever seen him, and he wonders how much of a toll having Lucifer inside of him actually had on him. It couldn't have been a damn picnic having the devil invading you, not even for a minute.

"Can we talk?" Cas almost seems like he's stumbling on his words, as if he trying to sound calm, but everything inside of him is the exact opposite. Dean cracks a small smile, and sits up straighter, bringing his hands to lap.

"Sure. But if this is to talk me out of tomorrow, don't bother."

He has no idea why he said that. He's pretty sure Cas feels like he's in no position to advise Dean on anything when it comes to strategy, seeing as he did something so damn stupid without mentioning anything to Dean beforehand.

Not that Dean's angry at him. No, far from it. He's just more concerned as to why he didn't come to him in the first place.

"That's not why I'm here. I know better than to-" Cas inhales, deeply and when he lets it out, his eyes slowly return to meet Dean's and for some reason, the hunter's stomach flips. "I came to clear up some things. Between _us._ "

Okay that does not make his stomach settle and in fact, he's now on the verge of nausea. "Shoot," he says, masking his panic with his usual calm demeanor - something he finds himself doing more often than not.

"It wasn't because of anything you did, why I let Lucifer in. It had nothing to do with you."

Now, Dean is going to say, "Yeah, I know," but on the inside, he's struggling with even believing it, because yeah, Dean thought it was his fault why Cas did what he did, why he acted so spontaneously, why he felt that he had to in the first place.

Dean's been a crappy friend. He's barely even been there for Cas, ignoring his angel's cries for help, which is he didn't realize until it was too late. Every night, _every damn night_ since he learned about what Cas did, he went over everything in his mind: from when they first met, to the day he beat the crap out of him in this very bunker.

He tried to find reasons as to why Cas would be so reckless - so low to have said yes to that corrupted angel. So many nights he lied awake, praying to him, begging for answers, even if he could just find them himself, in his own mind.

And each night he was left with nothing but silence within these four walls.

"I just wanted to be useful in the fight. I'm-" He looks down, fidgeting with his hands and Dean reaches out to touch his shoulder, making the angel flinch.

Okay, that was not the reaction Dean was hoping for. "Sorry, I'm just on edge."

"Ya think?" Dean swallows, hating every minute of this. What used to be an intimate gesture between them - the soft touches, the reassuring of friendship and warmth, is now tainted with memories of pain. If Dean doesn't hold it together, he will cry.

"I'm barely an angel anymore, Dean. Wings broken, my grace is weak. When you had that first run in with Amara, _adult_ Amara, I knew that there had to be a way to help, because of the control she had over you, prohibiting you from killing her, the mind control, the-"

"Yeah, I was there, I remember. But you aren't your wings, or your powers, Cas."

The angel looks up, eyes squinting as he does that head tilt that Dean admits is pretty damn adorable. _God, I've missed that._ He doesn't wait for Cas to ask him what he's talking about to finish his thoughts. "You're you. Cas. My best friend. I need you, with or without your mojo."

He sees his face brighten, just a little, while a small - _very small_ smile creeps on his face. Dean continues, letting this sink in. Actually, _hoping_ it's sinking in. "I don't care what Heaven thinks of you, or what you've done to piss them off. Everything you've done Cas, everything, was with good intentions, and yeah I know - I know what I've said about that in the past but truth is, you were always so much more than your powers. Always."

"Dean…"

"What? It's true. How many of us have actual superpowers, Cas? You see me and Sam flying around, smiting people?"

Cas actually giggles and Dean feels his heart leap out of his chest. "Well, no, but-"

"You rebelled against the only thing you knew, the only life you knew, just to do the right thing. You looked death in the face and shrugged, just to make sure Sammy and I were okay. You don't ever give up, Cas, you always keep fighting, and for that, you're a damn hero in my eyes."

 _Are those tears in his eyes?_

"So when you said yes to Lucifer, yeah, I was shocked. I didn't expect it."

"Dean…" Cas looks down, and that's when Dean notices a tear streaming down his face. He leans forward and brings his hand to Cas' cheek, gingerly thumbing away the wetness, and that's when the angel looks at him, eyes so blue, shimmering and magnetic as always, sucking Dean in and making him forget his own name.

 _And he didn't flinch._

"Don't ever think, even for one second, that you're alone, 'cause you're not. Even if I'm being a dick, or if it seems I'm wrapped up in some bullshit, I'm always here for you, Cas." Dean pauses, being bombarded with an onslaught or regret. "I know I've pushed you away before, and for that, I'm truly sorry, believe me. But never again. I'm here."

He brings Cas into a hug because really, he has no idea what else to do at this point. His angel is crying against his shoulder and it's doing things to Dean's heart that he hasn't felt in so long. His dam inside is breaking, the wall he had built for the last few years is finally crumbling, and he let's it out as well, sobbing along with his angel, and the two hold on tighter to each other, hopefully never letting go again.

"I'm so sorry, Dean," Cas chokes out.

"Me, too Cas. Me too."


End file.
